Miss Mary quite contrary

This post was written on Saturday…didnt publish it then for some reason…decided to now.. 

Ramble alert..this post may not make any sense…I’m typing away furiously as the thought comes to my head….please feel free to skip reading this… 

My mental state I realise is extremely fragile. It is as though I am at some kind of tipping point..If I don’t look around and continue on my path, I’m ok..one look this side or that side and I’m out.

I am an endless worrier..I am unable to accept misery, I cannot accept looking at people and hearing their sad stories. A not so close friend’s mother underwent surgery for a tumour that is suspected to be cancerous…that upset me more than it should have. A boy who was my brother’s age died four years back…he was not even a friend..someone he knew through school connections..his death continues to haunt me even now…and each year when I see his picture in the anniversary columns in the newspaper I get an really uncomfortable, gnawing feeling in my heart.

On the outside however nobody except possibly KT and my ma know how vulnerable I feel…unaccountable mood swings…tears from nowhere..for no apparent reason, misplaced anger…resentment. Where is all this coming from? I wish I knew. If I stop to think I tip over. Mechanically going about my work and daily routine..I am perfectly fine…but suddenly something happens and pulls me down and I take more than normal time to get up, dust my behind and continue on my path. Is all of this left over anger from the past? Am I wearing a cloak of positivity and trying to get on with life thinking that all is fine and normal and then something comes along to yank that cloak off and say caught ya! I don’t know why my head is so messed up. I am unable to think clearly…I lead such a double life…one of confident success..one who knows exactly where she’s going, in perfect control…to the outside world I am on a roll…words like “on a fast track”, “she’s a dude” get thrown at me. Little do they know how torn I am on the inside…sometimes I just want to throw it all away and bury myself in some tunnel..deep underground…don’t want to look at anyone’s face…don’t want to carry on meaningless conversation…But I know I can’t for the sake of my own sanity and for the sake of the few people who hold me close to their hearts. Sanity..hah! What a word…I think I seek sanity more than happiness…what is happiness?

To do or not to do

After much dilly dallying I have now decided to apply for B schools this year. My options are incredibly limited as I am looking out for a one year programme (as if one year isnt bad enough). I am still not able to articulate the reasons for my wanting to do an MBA…I know that fresh out of graduation my reasons were primarily that I wanted to get into corporate finance related avenues and that with only a CA that was going to be tough. However now that no longer holds good…I seem to have broken that glass ceiling and I in fact have a couple of I banking offers…so the job reason is ruled out. And after a point qualifications do not matter..the work experience is what counts and if I can do well as I seem to have over the last couple of years then there is nothing to stop me…

But one thing is for sure..if I don’t do this or at least make another attempt, I know that this is one regret I will have life long…if I make an attempt and don’t get in then that is a different ball game all together..however if I don’t even try then I don’t think I can make peace with myself. So this is going to be simply a following my heart call that I’m taking. The implications are huge…for one I’m going to be throwing a few people’s lives into disarray.

KT. Having gotten another house which will be ready in August we are now making steps towards living in our own home minus the in laws. An MBA will mean me moving out for a year and KT will be left to fend for himself alone. Which does not make any sense..so we have to figure out what he can do in that time…either he has to move back in with his parents or they will have to live in our house. Or KT moves to the place where I will be and find a job…now that doesn’t seem a very viable option because such a major move for just a year doesn’t seem worth it…what happens when I finish the course and find a job elsewhere. So that needs to be sorted out.

Money matters…we are now paying off two home loans, plus I’d need to get a student loan, plus there won’t be any earnings, plus no savings as of now. Plus my mother needs money on and off and I can’t help if I’m not earning, however one way out of this is that my brother will start to earn and I’m sure he’d be willing to help out if she is in need.

My ma..I will not be there if she needs my help or emotional support. A will not be based out of Madras also and hence she will be all alone. This bit worries me too because sometimes another head is required to sort out issues at home.

All this I need to think about even before the actual headaches like the entrance exams, school selections etc kick in…the good thing is that the self doubt has not kicked in…yet! Time is extremely short and I need to prepare…there is the issue of the CFA exam as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being very selfish in wanting to do this. But I have the full support of all around me. KT of course is my sounding board and is fully willing to back me. My parents too have been the surprise package…I thought they might just resist now that I’m married and all and I am doing well enough without an MBA but they are completely with me on this. In fact my dad is very excited at the proposition!! Even KT’s parents know and don’t mind. I don’t know…I just hope I’m not making a mistake doing this…my heart tells me its the right thing to do…but my mind isnt too sure..

Saint Gobain moment

KT and I are the perfect brand ambassadors now for Saint Gobain.

 Rewind to the early part of 2005, I was in the office and walked straight into the glass doors. You know those cartoons where someone takes a fall and they have these little birds flying around their heads….I could actually understand that particular depiction then!! Considering that this was a head on collision and that the nose is the singularly biggest part of my body, it took the full impact. I nearly blacked out and managed to stagger into the washroom…I think I even lost vision for a split second…yeah again I understood the full import of the word black out!! Still in great pain I went back to my seat and the mean boys at the office including KT seemed to display more concern for the glass than my poor battered nose and head…and rushed to congratulate the office boy on the good cleaning job. I am the types that has a perennial cold and I sneeze at least 5 times in a day..so i was in hell for 3 or 4 days till the pain disappeared…

Yesterday KT walked into glass and we’ve come a full circle…but in true Tamil filmy style (you know the you get wet in the rain, I catch a cold style) I had a headache too!! If this isnt love…what is??!

Promise

You promised on me that you would come….

Meltdown?

First this then this.

 From the looks of it, this is not going to be just another recession..it is going to be a rather huge melt down..sounds scary. And the decoupling theory looks like a fine joke. I wonder what the implications for me are…next year the bonuses will take a huge beating, people might just lose their jobs..being one of the better performers in the team, I don’t think I will get a pink slip. But if I am going ahead with the MBA plans…an admission might just get tougher because when the job market is in a slump, more people will flock to complete their education because the opportunity cost isnt too high…

Someone please get me a crystal ball! And for chrissakes please stop making a celebrity out of that Udayan Mukherjee.

Block

I have three drafts sitting and am unable to finish them…tried writing a funny post..I couldnt find the humour in my own writing..the subject is funny I assure you…tried ranting and to put down what is bogging me down….couldnt find the words.

 My mind is in a whirl. My thought are like those little dust particles suspended in the air that seem to run helter skelter when you turn on a torch in a dark dark room. My head is swimming with a dozen thoughts. Incoherence. Loads of issues to resolve..nothing new, nothing earth shattering..but they’re there just the same. The mind feels weak, weary. Feels abnormal because I normally can control my thoughts. Need to get a grip and sort my head out. Being over worked is not helping. Have to work tomorrow..and that nice quiet weekend seems a distant dream. The poor boy is unwell and has been calling me home since 3 pm…its nearly 8 now…all the colleagues have gone out for dinner and I’m still stuck here. Will lug the laptop and leave now.

I’m already in need of a holiday

Book tales

 Filched this tag from somewhere…unfortunately I don’t know who it was..I clicked on some random link from someone’s blogroll and found this tag and copied it, before I could get the link, the window closed and I can’t for the life of me figure out who…this is a book tag and I found it very interesting…

A book that made you laugh: Anything Wodehouse

A book that made you cry: Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, A suitable boy by Vikram Seth, The Diary of Anne Frank

A book that scared you: Nothing comes to my mind!

A book that disgusted you: A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry, disgusted me in the sense that I was left wondering why some lives were like that…I was really unsettled reading it.

A book you loved in elementary school: Those cute Ladybird books of the Peter and Jane variety!

A book you loved in middle/junior high school: Ah this was the Enid Blyton phase…can I just leave it at that??!! Oh and I forgot Roald Dahl!

A book you loved in high School: The Diary of Anne Frank

A book you loved in college: A Suitable Boy and An Equal Music by Vikram Seth…I became his FAN then oh and Catcher in the Rye by J D Salinger, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Oh to be back in college again and have all that time!!

A book that challenged your identity: This is an extremely interesting question…will have to ponder over it and come back to this!

A series you love: Tougie…but I have to go with the Malory Towers …Perry Mason also!

Horror: Nah!!! I don’t get scared reading horror…nor do I get the thrills…so

Science fiction: Yuck! Read a bit of Crichton and Cook and absolutely hated the stuff..

Your favourite fantasy: I am not into fantasy..the only stuff I’ve read is Harry Potter and Enid Blyton’s fantasy works..Faraway Tree anyone!

Your favourite mystery: The whole works of Sherlock Holmes…what else qualifies!!?? Arthur Conan Doyle is the master!

Your favourite biography: Can I say autobiography? Lee Iacoca’s..

Your favourite “Coming of age” book: Animal Farm by George Orwell

Your favourite classic: Gone with the wind by Margaret Mitchell

Your favourite romance book: Love story by Erich Segal.

Hmm I tag everyone that reads this!! Please do take it up and leave a link in the comments section!

Grievance cell

I normally do not post forwards that I receive…but this one seems worthy of public circulation..

Government of India has an online Grievance forum at http://darpg-grievance.nic.in/

Can you imagine this is happening in INDIA? The govt. wants people to use this tool to highlight the problems they faced while dealing with Government officials or departments like Passport Office, Electricity board, BSNL/MTNL, Railways etc.

I know many people will say that these things don’t work in India, but this actually works as one of our colleague in CSC found. The guy I’m talking about lives in Faridabad. Couple of months back, the Faridabad Municipal Corporation laid new roads in his area and the residents were very happy about it. But 2 weeks later, BSNL dug up the newly laid roads to install new cables which annoyed all the residents including this guy. But it was only this guy! Who used the above listed grievance forum to highlight his concern. And to his surprise, BSNL and Municipal Corporation of Faridabad were served a show because notice and the guy received a copy of the notice in one week. Government has asked the MC and BSNL about the goof up as it’s clear that both the government departments were not in sync at all.

So use this grievance forum and educate others who don’t know about this facility. This way we can at least raise our concerns instead of just talking about the ‘ System ‘ in India.

Arrrgggghhhh

Why must I, a grown adult and my husband, another grown adult get his parents permission for us to go have lunch in my patti’s place on the day of my thatha’s devasam??

One more time the line “You are now married and must act in accordance with their customs” is thrown at me I am going to scream so loud. What’s worse it isnt even that KT’s parents expect this. But my over enthu folks insist.

When I can choose my own husband, contribute significantly to the family income, live alone, travel across the globe alone and be extremely independent and I know you are proud of all these attributes of mine, how am I expected to meekly surrender to the larger than life in laws and do as they say. As long as I can remember I have made my own decisions and have sought your guidance no doubt, but I have been solely responsible for my actions and for sure I did not “listen to you” at all in the way you mean it. Now after turning into a completely strong willed stubborn ass, I am supposed to say yes ma’am for everything?

I had no teenage angst, rebellion nothing. Late bloomer I am I think, these are my troubled twenties

 Edited to add:

Ok I am issuing a clarification here..this is not a rant against my husband or my in laws. This is a rant against the “What will they think” syndrome that has aflicted my family. They keep imagining that my in laws would get bugged by certain things I do..stuff that I have done all my life which may be a little out of line as far as they are concerned. I don’t see any reason why I must change in those aspects. Now what if I had married a Muslim…would I be expected to give up going to a temple just because it is against the custom of the house I have married into? Now the customs between KT’s family and mine are largely the same…there are a few differences..for those on the know, he is Iyer and me Iyengar…yes teeny weeny differences. And these differences make no impact on my life or KT’s for that matter, except when these people choose to highlight them and make an issue. Like this devasam issue (or non issue)…KT has no trouble coming over to eat that lunch or receive the blessing on the occasion. But when my parents say that I need to get his parent’s permission to do this I get pissed. For me and KT this is as big a deal as going out for dinner…we don’t get permission, of course we let KT’s ma know in advance because its manners to do so..but we don’t seek permission obviously! And oh while I’m ranting…I hate it when KT’s ma says I am now an Iyer…I am not an Iyer, I am an Iyengar..(now repeat that after me). The sad thing is that I am not bothered about these things…I couldnt care less whether I’m a Hindu or Muslim or Christian or whatever…but the minute someone tells me things like this I get all militant and possessive about my identity…Grr at the human psychology

Eight!

Been tagged by the gorgeous Silvara and here goes:

Eight things I am passionate about:

1. Reading: This is an understatement, put a book in my hands and I will lose myself in it and ignore pretty much everything that happens around me.

2. My work: You know when people say they are “intrinsically motivated” in their resumes and in general interview conversations, most people don’t really mean it especially those who work in finance related avenues (how interesting can it get huh?). But I do. I really find the work I do interesting that the need to do really well is very high.

3. The news: I know this sounds wierd but I am very very clued into what is happening around the world. I am normally the person who “breaks news” in office and at home after hearing it from a news channel / website of course.

5. Travel: Well till three years back, North India was Tirupati and South was Madurai, West was Munnar and East, Chennai. I’ve come a long way since then and sure have a long way to go, but yeah I really want to get around and explore the world!

6. Charity: Ive had some very tough times and had help when I needed it the most and look where that little push has taken me now. I am determined to return this favour and make a difference to a few lives at least. A plan is taking shape and should soon be implemented.

7. Music: I can sing and I started to learn to play the guitar..but somewhere down the line my acads overtook this part of me and I am determined to bring the music back into my life.

8. Decorating: I love collecting little curios and decorative pieces to leave around my house..another opportunity to do up a house is presenting itself and I’m rubbing my hands in anticipation!

Eight things I want to do before I die:

1. Travel around the world

2. Become a freelance journalist..write a column for one of those ugly fugly orange newspapers!

3. Adopt a child

4. Send my ma on a trip around Europe where she can take in all her beloved museums and churches!

5. Repay all my dad’s loans

6. Watch the Wimbledon

7. Get an MBA

8. Become important enough to be interviewed!

Eight things I say often:

1. I love you.

2. Yeah right!

3. What crap!

4. Yikes!

5. Asho!

6. “Are there any developments on the proposal we have sent you?”

7. Shut up!

8. That’s not fair!

Eight books I have read recently:

1. Shantaram - Gregory David Roberts

2. A thousand splendid suns - Khaled Hosseini

3. Kite runner - Khaled Hosseini

4. Storm in the sea wind - Srinivas Alam

5. An inheritance of loss - Kiran Desai

6. Brick lane - Monica Ali

7. A suitable boy ( re read the epic) - Vikram Seth

8. A fine balance - Rohinton Mistry

Eight songs I could listen to over and over:

1. Yesterday - The Beatles

2. Nothing Else Matters - Metallica

3. Hero of the Day - Metallica

4. Don’t wanna miss a thing - Aerosmith

5. Anbe Sivam - Kamal Hassan

6. Roobaroo - Rang De basanti

7. Chiquitita - Abba

8. Romeo and Juliet - Dire straits

Eight things that attract me to my friends:

1. Humour / Wit

2. Honesty

3. Good conversation

4. Willingness to talk about books / music / cricket

5. Non whinyness (yeah I know there is no such word but you get the picture)

6. Non pushiness (ditto!)

7. Independence..I can’t understand people who need others to make decisions for them

8. Strong wills

Eight people I think should do this tag:

Damn this is sooo tough!

1. Chronic worrier (Har har!)

2. Cacophoenix

3. Lively

4. Lavs

5. Childwoman

6. J

7. Bluemist

8. The mad momma