A, patti and me

The past two days have been extremely bad…with A in hospital for his surgery and me juggling hospital duty and work… Poor kid, I feel so bad for him…this whole surgery was so unnecessary and avoidable had he alerted us to the issue a bit earlier…I have now taken a vow never to ignore a niggling pain for too long. I had my period and was feeling extremely awful myself and I didn’t want to go over to the hospital and create a scene out there…so though I told A that I would see him in the morning I couldn’t go…he kept dropping hints to amma and told her that I would scream if she didn’t wake me early and if I missed him before the surgery and gave her all kinds of indirect hints to call me…finally at 9 am after he was administered his anesthesia he asked to talk to me and he called me just as he was being wheeled out…I just cried that I couldn’t be there with him…

By the time I eventually reached, he was out of surgery and was apparently moaning in pain while he was being wheeled back. I got there and I guess the anesthesia had just worn off and the painkillers hadn’t taken effect…the poor thing was crying and I was helplessly holding his hand unable to take the suffering that he was being put through…but mercifully he soon settled in and was spared of all the trauma by injections and painkillers…I was at the hospital the whole day and was really glad that I could keep him company and keep him in reasonably high spirits…but throughout I kept remembering an awful thing that had happened in college…a classmate of mine went into surgery, something relatively minor, to tap fluid from her head as her sinus was giving her too much trouble…the surgery per se went off ok…but somewhere something went wrong, she contracted an infection and passed away…I went and met her completely devastated parents after that…and their faces kept flashing in my head the whole time that I was in hospital…I kept imagining them taking care of their daughter pre and post the surgery and waiting for her to be ok and up and about again…I could really feel for them now…imagining the normal post operative period going awry and her condition deteriorating and her eventual passing away…and their world crumbling thereafter…I wonder how people have the strength to deal with such horrible things happening at all…I really cannot even begin to imagine going through the loss of a young teenaged daughter…

After spending time with a my brother, the boisterous, active boy, lying down and being so unnaturally quiet, it was time for me to go to patti’s house…patti is another person giving me so much heartache…it breaks my heart to see my oh so active, super efficient granny completely rendered immobile and wasting away day by day…but here she was determined to do something for her darling grandson, for someone who cannot even walk to the bathroom, she was pushing herself around in a stool and supervising R peri’s cooking to ensure she was able to provide A with a tasty yet non oily, non spicy meal…the spunk shown by this woman is so amazing and the love she has for all of us in all her suffering was too much for me to handle..and the events of the day just made me break down….even now as I am typing I have tears rolling down my cheeks….

Tuesday began really early for me….getting milk and coffee ready for the hospital…and struggling to wash a flask!! While on A’s front things were ok…and I had fewer emotions throttling me and that choking feeling had lessened a bit….when in the evening KT gave me the news about the Bangalore landlord telling us that the cheque I had issued bounced…it was really awful and the guy was rather rude to poor KT….the worst part was that the amount had been debited from my account and some bank had basically screwed up and has caused all this confusion, so now we have to reissue the cheque and basically its been a loss of face for no fault of ours at all….being treated like some common criminal is not one bit pleasant….

Today A was discharged from the hospital and I am flooded with work…got a temporary breather as my manager is reviewing my work…so I promptly logged in to transfer all my angst onto my blog which is fast turning out to be this collector of the sad stories of my life!!! Well I will remedy that soon…hopefully… But I was left thinking about me and my relationship with A and patti….A being 3.5 years younger has always been the irresponsible, bratty, problematic child…whereas till very recently (when my wedding planning started happening!!) I was always the goody goody girl, completely responsible, sensible, smart and always doing the right thing…so comparisons were inevitable and the contrasts were really stark…while we were growing up we were always tearing at each others throats…and what can sum up our relationship…were those lines from Friends that Monica says to Ross, about her loving Ross just for the sake of his being her brother (when they were younger)…and not in the truest sense of the word…and then she goes on to tell him that that wasnt the case any longer and that she had started loving him for what he was…I wondered at that point whether I would ever reach that point in life or would we have a cats and dogs existence all our life with that underlying love and concern that essentially stemmed from the blood bond that we had…. Maybe now we have reached that point???

Patti…ever since I can remember she has been the loving, silvery haired, darling grandmother who loved feeding us our rasam sadham…ever since I can remember I’ve been sleeping with a blanky….given to me by her…she has been such a pillar of support to all of us and has seen through the various ups and downs in her life like a rock…ever since I can remember I’ve been living in the constant fear of the day that she’d no longer be with us.. I really don’t know why…She has truly lived a full life, she has seen so much, has given so much happiness to all of us…I am yet to come across a more remarkable person…she is now confined to her bed…and it is so gut wrenching to see her in pain…patti I wish I could kiss your aches and pains away…I love you so much…and I’ve been truly privileged to be your grand daughter…

KT, I know you will completely disapprove of this depressing post but I had to get rid of all this weight from my system…and oh…I’ve really missed you…waiting to be reunited with you….

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