Baby muddles in my head

My uncle S and his wife P are having trouble conceiving…not too uncommon?

Well S is 37 and P is 35..S is handicapped, he is hearing impaired and P is from a very poor family, had a very troubled childhood and all the works. They married a couple of years back and they both want a baby and want it soon for obvious reasons. Now having visited the doctor, the verdict is that there is an issue and they’d have to go in for all the expensive and painful treatment..and even then we don’t know…

Now all of us want babies…its the most natural thing..at best the debate is about when, very very few people decide that they are not going to have a child. Ditto for me, KT and I married 4 months  back and I’m 24, he’s 26…so no baby anytime soon…but there’s no doubt in our minds that we want one. Well yeah I said one…by one I mean I  definitely don’t want to get pregnant more than once. But the thing is both of us have a sibling each and we like a four member family. But I really don’t think I want to go throught he process twice…I’m extremely intolerant to pain and I hate the way even a period interrupts my life every now and then and renders me a completely useless being…unable to sit or stand, breaking out in a cold sweat, puking, horrible cramps…well I’ve kind of resigned myself to the 9 month “interruption”…but I really don’t want to do that twice..I know I sound cold blooded, insensitive and everything…but I feel so far removed from the event..something that’s perhaps more than 3 years away…. Right now my 24 year old being can think of only my career, perhaps an MBA squeezed in between…I guess once I’m older I will view pregnancy as more than an interruption…So now we are saying that we will have one child and adopt another. Having said that, I have no idea how we would feel 5 years down the line…right now its just a flippant, quick fix solution…we want two babies, unwilling to bear more than one, solution, please adopt the other. Now we are aware of course of all the emotional issues that go along with it…whether we will be able to love both equally (I guess so), and more importantly what kind of appearances will we convey to the children, when to break the news to the kids, dealing with the kids’ emotions etc..now we haven’t stopped to think about all this at all…its all a far away thing…and I have no idea how we will react when push comes to shove. Another thing is that if for some reason we are not able to have even that one baby, at present I think I will not go in for infertility treatment, will straight away adopt…I don’t want to go over all the hassles…here again I have no idea how I will react when all of this actually happens. Its very simple to come up with rational solutions when the problem doesnt actually confront you.

Coming back now to S and P, when I heard about them, my instinctive feeling was why don’t they just adopt. They are old, the process is painful and their age makes the whole thing fraught with risks, plus the danger that the kid is born with the handicap cannot be ruled out at all. Taking all this into account the most logical thing is to adopt…give some unfortunate child a good life, save yourself a pot ful of trouble. But it seems that this thought has not really entered their heads…they are fairly conservative and would probably think on the lines of what caste etc that baby would be…I may be mistaken but my guess is that adopting may not be a very pleasant option and they’d rather go without a child…if that were the alternative.

Now I want to know..what is it that compels people to try out these expensive and painful treatments? More so people who already have a child? I’m not at all being judgemental here…I’m just trying to understand the feelings and emotions that go with a situation like this…Why are we reluctant to adopt? Why is it that we are compelled to even have children? Is it because its a done thing? Or does it mark an achievement? Do me a favour and do tell…I’d really like to know what you think..

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8 Responses

  1. The last few lines are my answer to the question. Well, kind of.
    I don’t feel the ‘need’ to have a baby. I don’t want one. I don’t get why married couples are expected to produce offspring. Given a choice I’d choose not to have one. (And you call youself cold?)
    The husband wants one plus I can’t predict if I’ll continue to feel this way with time (biological ticking & all that), so that kinda settles it.
    My uncle & aunt had trouble conceiving. So they adopted, after 5 cycles of IVF. I’m not sure if it’s possible to generalize but for them it was a matter of trying everything they could before calling it quits.

    GDS: Are you newly married and not so old? I find that typically, people younger than say around 26 yrs talk like this..

  2. mmmm…. well at 24 its really hard to know what you will want at 34. you’re a decade away and life has wrought its changes. so never say never… that is something i’ve figured out the hard way.

    as to why ppl want their own kids – its not always something as trivial as ‘done thing’ or ‘achievement’. though it might be for some.

    for a lot of us, its a yearning. reproduction is as natural an instinct as any. like food, shelter and self defence. if you dont want kids or want only one, its fine.

    adoption is noble and all that. but having a child is a lot of things. not just raising one, but also the joy that comes from the knowledge that every fibre is something you contributed. followed ur comment on CeeKays blog. Am sure she will explain it better than i have ….

    GDS: Thanks a ton for stopping by! Yes I know what you mean when you say that time and circumstances change you…it was not too far away when I swore I wasn’t having any babies because I had a fairly rough childhood and from my perspective, I could only think that I did not want to bring in a child and make it suffer..I love kids and babies and I really want to adopt one because it gives me the opportunity to change a life…I’m just trying to sort out what it is that makes me want to have one of my own as well..what you’re saying makes a lot of sense…Thanks 🙂

  3. Shoot me now. I have 4 and just turned 30.
    People seriously look at me like I have 4 heads when I announce I have FOUR kids.
    I didnt set out to have 4. I had my first at 22 and then 3 years later, I wanted her to have a sibling so we tried and got pregnant right away.
    had my 2nd girl and I was so happy.
    Then 16 months later, I had my 3rd because the damm condom broke.
    And then another 16 months after the 3rd, I had my 4th because of the same reason LOL

    GDS: 🙂 My reaction to your comment: “Ow, ow, ow!”..then promptly went and did a google search for your name to see if you write a blog… 🙂 Not going to pass up the opportunity to read about the antics of 4 children…Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Well..married for 4 years now (and officially over 26 too :-). I understand what you’re trying to say about the newly married couple phase- loving the couple time, basking in each others’ attention, planning trips…but at least for me it has nothing to do with any of that. I realized I felt this way even before I discovered I did (make any sense?).
    Infact I wanted to adopt too (still do) but the husband doesn’t feel as strongly as I do so shelved the idea. I’ve heard a lota people say that you succumb when the instinct hits you, hard. I’ve always been a slow bloomer, so it’ll probably take me more time!

    GDS: Interesting…but I can imagine the varied comments and reactions from all the aunties you must be getting…4 yearsa?? Any problems….is everything ok??.. 🙂

  5. I always wanted to have one child and adopt another not because I was afraid of child birth but because I felt strongly about giving a home to a child who didnt have one. But you know what- I also hated women who bitched about their mothers in law, always thought that I’d love my husband’s family as much as my own. It didnt work out that way. I am one of the women I hated before I was married. I totally blame inlaws for this change in me. Because I tried, really did and then gave up.
    But I have to admit, I have also discovered that I am more tolerant towards my parents, its easier to forgive and forget with them and I hold more grudges with in laws. I believe blood ties are stronger than any other bond. I still want to adopt but not now when my own daughter is just a year and a half. What if I adopt and discover that i am more tolerant towards errors, mistakes made by my birth daughter and am harsher towards the adopted daughter. I wont be able to forgive myself then. I dont know if it makes sense but my own short comings as a person deters me from adopting right now. Because its not just providing food, shelter and clothing but also unconditional love. And I havent been able to love my husband unconditionally yet 🙂 so I am not sure.

    GDS: Welcome here! What you said about you hating the kind of person you are now before you were married rings very true! I mean I can really feel that happening to me…the things I swore I would never do are pretty much what I’m doing right now…I cringe to think of the changes in my attitude a few years down 😦 . But having said that I have seen people who have adopted, having trouble with in laws, even the husband…but somehow with the kid, there is that unconditional love for sure…yeah there are no blood ties..but I guess it comes with raising the child…

  6. The second time around when I started the IVF cycle after having trouble conceiving, some people asked me this question. Why go in for IVF and why not adopt? I have at least 3 reasons, but they are mine and probably not typical of couples facing fertility problems.

    I desparately wanted to go through one more pregnancy – I wanted to feel the baby inside me and all that. Having been through it once, I knew what to expect and I always remembered my pregnant days with fondness as I really enjoyed my first pregnancy too.

    I don’t think some of our extended family members are open minded enough to have accepted an adopted child with the same feelings as they did my biological child. I didn’t want to bring a child into my family and have her go through the heartbreak of the non-acceptance, even if from one member of the family.

    I DID NOT want to go through IVF. But seeing my older daughter’s misery at being an only child forced me to change my mind. I figured I should try all the options so I can tell her truthfully that it was just not meant to be. But then, look where we are today!!

    Having one child already doesn’t lessen your desire to have another if you are having problem conceiving. That was one thing that angered me more than anything else – some people commented on how our pain at not being able to conceive was not as great as that of people who don’t have any kids. I say the hurt is the same. If you want a baby and are unable to have it, doesn’t matter if you already have one – the pain is very difficult to deal with.

    For us, the financial part was very easy. We just switched to the insurance carrier that provided better infertility coverage (through my husband’s employer). If we didn’t have that option I would NEVER have gone through IVF as I had other priorities – and I have said that in one of my posts pre-IVF (I think). As it is, we had decided we were content with just one child and it was my daughter’s unhappiness that made me rethink the decision.

    I’ll try to put my thoughts more coherently in a post.

    GDS: Ooh yes…look where you are now!! I’m not going to say anything here except that I don’t understand how you are going to get more coherent than this!! If there’s more you have to say..then I just waiting! 🙂 Thanks a ton for indulging me!

  7. I echo MM’s thoughts here .. I feel differently about lotsa things now then when I was 24. I am 30 now.

    It’s good that you’re thinking about what you want out of life and marriage … be open to the fact that your needs and thoughts may change with time. My 2 cents 🙂

    Yes I do tend to get so caught up in the moment and think that this is what I want from life…and then something happens and gives u that gentle or not so gentle nudge and says this is what will happen!! Sigh!

  8. And now, belatedly, here’s my perspective as an 18-year old.
    I’m one of those love bugs. The ones who love kids, are generally pretty good at managing them, and I’ve basically been daydreaming about having my own baby since I was 10.

    Then teenage hit. With that came uncertainty.

    Right now, I know that both The Baby and I have great potential that would be extremely destructive(and has been destructive in my case) and might unleash a monster unless things are just right . So I’m torn between my instinct which is screaming for a family and babies(yes, two), and my logical self which is shit scared that my kid might turn out like my dad or worse.
    I have the sneaky feeling that by the time I’m 25, I’ll be ready to take the apprehension, the pain and the rollercoaster of emotions… . Yes, I’m a melodramatic teenager who thinks and daydreams too much.

    I know what you mean about the uncertainties…I experienced them as well..not in the terms you described…but when I was in my teens my issues were such that I wished I hadnt even been born and worse that my brother at least had not been born (because by then my mom knew about the issues with my dad. My perspective was that I didn’t want to bring in kids into this world and have them suffer like we were…and as regards your worries about bringing on a monster…see genes matter they sure do….but environment also does…in my dad’s case the fundamental issue is chemical imbalances in the head…but there is also a lot of neglect that he was faced with when he was young and grew wild and that compounded the trouble…I don’t exactly know what the trouble with your dad is…but see you have turned out ok…and this notwithstanding other trouble…so yes even though there instability right now…it is only a matter of time that you’re going to be able to get the stability into your life…and its a good thing that you think and daydream really…because that’s what’s keeping you going…hang in there…

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