Resurfacing again

Ok here’s the update on my earlier post, didnt want to edit that one.  As Chandni put it I didnt want to let my prejudices /judgements to cloud my what I had to say to D. It was very clear that she wanted my help…she has no other friends or siblings.

So I decided to get her to elaborate on what she meant by A’s sister / family separating them…here’s what came out. Now while A knows that D wants to move mainly because of his sister the family clearly doesnt. And while A knows, he isnt willing to accept the argument. Yes they have talked…a lot about all the issues..fought…everything. And A knows that his sister’s behaving very badly but isnt willing to do anything drastic about it…because she is the baby of the family and he doesnt want to incur his parents’ wrath by openly supporting D and against her. So the bottom line here is that he doesnt think she is reason enough for A to get out.

Now D earns more than A. So when the whole Bombay idea was floated A’s family has been telling him that she is acting smart because she earns more than him, that her career is more important than him, that he should have married a stay at home girl,  a girl not too educated yada yada…Now that is very unfair because just 2 months back she turned down an offer from a company from Singapore because of A. She is now doing this mainly because of A’s sister and of course it she got a good job in the bargain.

So she is scared that A (who refuses to accept this truth) may get brainwashed when his parents and sister keep harping on the career being more important aspect and turn against her. When I told her that A would most probably be above all this, she said no there are moments he has felt this way before. And she reminded me that there was a point in time when A questioned her money spending and claimed that he was spending more money because of her insistence of living in Gurgaon and her unwillingness to stay in Delhi which would work out cheaper (both of them have offices in Gurgaon). So these undercurrents have been there and now she is scared that they will get full blown.

And her mind is made up she is moving to Bombay. Without A. And A’s parents are planning to move to Delhi. A will try and get a transfer in 6 months. I now feel this is actually a good thing. If their marriage can survive these 6 months, it will last their lifetime and I will be happy for D. If it doesnt survive these 6 months then she for sure is better off without him and its better now than later.

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5 Responses

  1. Well, how long have they been dating before marriage? Do they even understand each other completely. A’s difficulty to balance things as a son/brother/husband can be understood. But at the same time does he try and understand what D is going through. By your post it is quite obvious that he is overlooking D’s situation. In a relationship there will always be tiffs, fights and quarrels. But it should end with the end of the day. It is understandable that he is not able to say anything because of his parents. But getting brainwashed is something which can happen to people with very low thinking capacity. He is witnessing things everyday, and if he loves his wife he knows what she is going through.
    Fighting and arguing hurts (the enormous) male ego and they tend to attack. Instead try to convince him, to remind him of all those lovely time they were together and how they can have a wonderful life together. Also that she understands his parents and their love for him, but she has left her parents and house to live with him for the rest of her life.
    Why doesn’t she give example of reversed roles? What if he was in her situation and this was dished out at him?
    You are right, if the relationship can survive the six months it will do so for years to come.
    Its a wise decision that she has taken.
    I just hope things fall back in place and everyone is happy. Amen!

    They were together for a year before their wedding…and when she came back from her honeymoon she was sooo happy, that all her troubles were over and that things had fallen in place…I wish she had even a bit of that happiness now. I can appreciate all that you are saying about highlighting all the good times, but doesnt that overgrown baby know all of this?? He does and is taking her for granted. Hope this gives him that much needed jolt. I really hope things fall back in place 🙂

  2. Okaaay… now I’m going to say what I really think:-) I really think A is a loser. Big time. But…..if in this six month period he wisens up and makes it up to D( and is her slave for the rest of her life for this bullshit) then he is excused. If not then….sayonara. Sorry, but I see things usually in black and white. The greys, sort of completely mere sar ke upar se:-)

    You know what I agree, but unfortunately she has to give the guy a chance…but beyond a point I don’t believe in sticking on in an unhappy marriage..

  3. Um…If the man cannot stick up to his wife now, I doubt if he ever will. Assuming things get sorted out and A gets a transfer, will your friend be able to put all this behind, nastiness that she has had to endure and the almost spineless behaviour of her husband? You friend needs the courage to stand up too. Isn’t this similar to the stories we see evryday of women being tortured and raped. Agreed this is not as bad, but I think there is a limit. There is a difference between love and blindness, courage to stand up to adversity and bravado to do things when you have another option. Your friend seems to be strong enough to go through this, you should tell her what you really think and give her the strength to go through this. This is today, if she lets this go on, tomorrow might be worse. Ok I am stepping out of bounds here, but I felt like I needed to have a say. This is ridiculous, childish behaviour. I am sorry if I overstepped. I enjoy your blog a lot.

    Welcome here…and there’s no worry about overstepping…frank opinions and feelings are very welcome! I feel exactly the same way as you do..but I guess you want to give your last shot in saving your marriage?? Just curious are you married?

  4. eeek….all these undercurrents seem to surfacing now and it’s looking bleak – if A is not willing to stand up for himself and his wife….I’m sorry to say he is a major loser. I feel for D because IF it doesn’t work out – she will inevitably be blamed – as is being seen now with those ridiculous claims about her career.

    These 6 months will ultimately make or break her marriage I feel….I hope it works out

    Yeah you’re bang on…I hope it works out to for D’s sake…she really deserves to have the best

  5. Yup, For four years now….

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