100 Not out!

Can you believe I’ve made it to a hundred posts!?? This little tentative step that I started out late in September of 2007 has now grown into a fairly big obsession for me. I’ve loved the journey so far…it is so cathartic sometimes to just pour your heart out when words fail you conversationally.

Blogs and blogging was never really on my radar till around the beginning of January 2007…I mean I knew they existed, I knew about the whole blogging IIPM controversy, the blacking out of blogs by the Government and all that, but somehow I never read a single one let alone writing one. Then a colleague of mine sent me something written by Amit Varma and I really liked what he’d written and when were were talking about it, he told me that that was a blog and was wondering given the amount I read how I never read blogs? I hadnt even realised it was a blog, assumed it to be a piece of journalistic writing somewhere, then Amit became a daily fix for me..even then I hadnt moved on to other blogs..then one day Amit had linked up to one of Neha’s poems and bang that was enough to open the can of worms for me! Came across comments, blogrolls and got hooked on to so many blogs…went through archives and was simply amazed that every little person in the world can actually speak out if not to the whole world to a small audience!! Given my love for the written word it was only inevitable that I started writing my own blog, tentatively commenting at other people’s spaces…and then I started receiving comments on my blog, other than KT (who was of course coerced into commenting)! I was thoroughly zapped to find people reading my blog, consider this, my blog is neither one of those riot acts, the serious ones with witty lines on economics, politics or people’s world view (though I toyed with making my blog one of those!), I’m not even one of those “fast” types with plenty of sexcapades to regale an audience with, no short stories or fables, no cute baby stories nothing.  I am married, work hard at my job, do fun things when the time permits and by fun things I mean going on holidays, catching a movie and other blah stuff! This was just about my life..which at its rocking best is mundane….and can get dead boring very often…I mean I still don’t get what makes people come back here!! I know there are tons of “return visits” where people get obliged to comment thanks to my incessant commenting on their way more exciting lives, but for sure there are people who come to read me!!

I digress, but there is something I simply have to say at this point…I read loads of blogs, and I comment on many and would like to comment on many more…but I don’t. Now lack of time is not the excuse, I can spend 3 or 4 minutes reading a post, surely I can devote another couple of minutes in commenting…the thing is I do this more out of the office…and gmail and blogger are blocked out…with blogger its a little wierd, I can view the blog, but cannot comment. So I’m really sorry to a bunch of people that I read, I do try and leave a comment when I’m reading out of home, but it really isnt too frequent..but I read you regularly!!

Well now that that’s done, I find that I’ve become a much more social person, this kind of interaction is rarely there in the real life for me…no body knows the real me..here my soul is bared, I write what I feel, I don’t bother being politically correct, I need not couch my thoughts in more palatable language. So that kind of gives me the opportunity to understand myself that much more….I get feed back, criticism, support from people who are far removed from me in the real life..so they don’t bother being polictically correct as well..this is open honest communication at its best and for the first time in my life I am experiencing this (outside of KT of course with him though I always feel an element of bias creeps in and we tend to rationalise our actions when that happens).

Alright now I’m going to ask you to do something…well if you do this and make a wish it will be granted immediately, and if you don’t severe bad luck will be upon you and you will lose your love, money, happiness and everything that you hold dear and wait….the bad luck will haunt seven generations to come.

Now that you’re sufficiently scared, please leave a comment…and let me know where you’re from and what exactly it is that makes you come back here…I know its not like I get a thousand hits but even this has overwhelmed me…I see these dots that grow bigger in China and so many other places..now indulge me (or influenced by the threat)…go on don’t let me down!!

Happy 100 th post dear blog!

Advertisements

Cult classics!

Worked under high pressure conditions to send off a deliverable and then finally got a chance to breathe…wanted to listen to some music and the first song that came to my mind was this!

Pliss to enjay and hey am going to take a poll here…what is your favourite…all time favourite friends moment?? Please do leave in your comments…oh and did I tell you I have the whole set…all seasons on dvd??!!

Miss Mary quite contrary

This post was written on Saturday…didnt publish it then for some reason…decided to now.. 

Ramble alert..this post may not make any sense…I’m typing away furiously as the thought comes to my head….please feel free to skip reading this… 

My mental state I realise is extremely fragile. It is as though I am at some kind of tipping point..If I don’t look around and continue on my path, I’m ok..one look this side or that side and I’m out.

I am an endless worrier..I am unable to accept misery, I cannot accept looking at people and hearing their sad stories. A not so close friend’s mother underwent surgery for a tumour that is suspected to be cancerous…that upset me more than it should have. A boy who was my brother’s age died four years back…he was not even a friend..someone he knew through school connections..his death continues to haunt me even now…and each year when I see his picture in the anniversary columns in the newspaper I get an really uncomfortable, gnawing feeling in my heart.

On the outside however nobody except possibly KT and my ma know how vulnerable I feel…unaccountable mood swings…tears from nowhere..for no apparent reason, misplaced anger…resentment. Where is all this coming from? I wish I knew. If I stop to think I tip over. Mechanically going about my work and daily routine..I am perfectly fine…but suddenly something happens and pulls me down and I take more than normal time to get up, dust my behind and continue on my path. Is all of this left over anger from the past? Am I wearing a cloak of positivity and trying to get on with life thinking that all is fine and normal and then something comes along to yank that cloak off and say caught ya! I don’t know why my head is so messed up. I am unable to think clearly…I lead such a double life…one of confident success..one who knows exactly where she’s going, in perfect control…to the outside world I am on a roll…words like “on a fast track”, “she’s a dude” get thrown at me. Little do they know how torn I am on the inside…sometimes I just want to throw it all away and bury myself in some tunnel..deep underground…don’t want to look at anyone’s face…don’t want to carry on meaningless conversation…But I know I can’t for the sake of my own sanity and for the sake of the few people who hold me close to their hearts. Sanity..hah! What a word…I think I seek sanity more than happiness…what is happiness?

To do or not to do

After much dilly dallying I have now decided to apply for B schools this year. My options are incredibly limited as I am looking out for a one year programme (as if one year isnt bad enough). I am still not able to articulate the reasons for my wanting to do an MBA…I know that fresh out of graduation my reasons were primarily that I wanted to get into corporate finance related avenues and that with only a CA that was going to be tough. However now that no longer holds good…I seem to have broken that glass ceiling and I in fact have a couple of I banking offers…so the job reason is ruled out. And after a point qualifications do not matter..the work experience is what counts and if I can do well as I seem to have over the last couple of years then there is nothing to stop me…

But one thing is for sure..if I don’t do this or at least make another attempt, I know that this is one regret I will have life long…if I make an attempt and don’t get in then that is a different ball game all together..however if I don’t even try then I don’t think I can make peace with myself. So this is going to be simply a following my heart call that I’m taking. The implications are huge…for one I’m going to be throwing a few people’s lives into disarray.

KT. Having gotten another house which will be ready in August we are now making steps towards living in our own home minus the in laws. An MBA will mean me moving out for a year and KT will be left to fend for himself alone. Which does not make any sense..so we have to figure out what he can do in that time…either he has to move back in with his parents or they will have to live in our house. Or KT moves to the place where I will be and find a job…now that doesn’t seem a very viable option because such a major move for just a year doesn’t seem worth it…what happens when I finish the course and find a job elsewhere. So that needs to be sorted out.

Money matters…we are now paying off two home loans, plus I’d need to get a student loan, plus there won’t be any earnings, plus no savings as of now. Plus my mother needs money on and off and I can’t help if I’m not earning, however one way out of this is that my brother will start to earn and I’m sure he’d be willing to help out if she is in need.

My ma..I will not be there if she needs my help or emotional support. A will not be based out of Madras also and hence she will be all alone. This bit worries me too because sometimes another head is required to sort out issues at home.

All this I need to think about even before the actual headaches like the entrance exams, school selections etc kick in…the good thing is that the self doubt has not kicked in…yet! Time is extremely short and I need to prepare…there is the issue of the CFA exam as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being very selfish in wanting to do this. But I have the full support of all around me. KT of course is my sounding board and is fully willing to back me. My parents too have been the surprise package…I thought they might just resist now that I’m married and all and I am doing well enough without an MBA but they are completely with me on this. In fact my dad is very excited at the proposition!! Even KT’s parents know and don’t mind. I don’t know…I just hope I’m not making a mistake doing this…my heart tells me its the right thing to do…but my mind isnt too sure..

Saint Gobain moment

KT and I are the perfect brand ambassadors now for Saint Gobain.

 Rewind to the early part of 2005, I was in the office and walked straight into the glass doors. You know those cartoons where someone takes a fall and they have these little birds flying around their heads….I could actually understand that particular depiction then!! Considering that this was a head on collision and that the nose is the singularly biggest part of my body, it took the full impact. I nearly blacked out and managed to stagger into the washroom…I think I even lost vision for a split second…yeah again I understood the full import of the word black out!! Still in great pain I went back to my seat and the mean boys at the office including KT seemed to display more concern for the glass than my poor battered nose and head…and rushed to congratulate the office boy on the good cleaning job. I am the types that has a perennial cold and I sneeze at least 5 times in a day..so i was in hell for 3 or 4 days till the pain disappeared…

Yesterday KT walked into glass and we’ve come a full circle…but in true Tamil filmy style (you know the you get wet in the rain, I catch a cold style) I had a headache too!! If this isnt love…what is??! 😀

Promise

You promised on me that you would come….

Meltdown?

First this then this.

 From the looks of it, this is not going to be just another recession..it is going to be a rather huge melt down..sounds scary. And the decoupling theory looks like a fine joke. I wonder what the implications for me are…next year the bonuses will take a huge beating, people might just lose their jobs..being one of the better performers in the team, I don’t think I will get a pink slip. But if I am going ahead with the MBA plans…an admission might just get tougher because when the job market is in a slump, more people will flock to complete their education because the opportunity cost isnt too high…

Someone please get me a crystal ball! And for chrissakes please stop making a celebrity out of that Udayan Mukherjee.