Miss Mary quite contrary

This post was written on Saturday…didnt publish it then for some reason…decided to now.. 

Ramble alert..this post may not make any sense…I’m typing away furiously as the thought comes to my head….please feel free to skip reading this… 

My mental state I realise is extremely fragile. It is as though I am at some kind of tipping point..If I don’t look around and continue on my path, I’m ok..one look this side or that side and I’m out.

I am an endless worrier..I am unable to accept misery, I cannot accept looking at people and hearing their sad stories. A not so close friend’s mother underwent surgery for a tumour that is suspected to be cancerous…that upset me more than it should have. A boy who was my brother’s age died four years back…he was not even a friend..someone he knew through school connections..his death continues to haunt me even now…and each year when I see his picture in the anniversary columns in the newspaper I get an really uncomfortable, gnawing feeling in my heart.

On the outside however nobody except possibly KT and my ma know how vulnerable I feel…unaccountable mood swings…tears from nowhere..for no apparent reason, misplaced anger…resentment. Where is all this coming from? I wish I knew. If I stop to think I tip over. Mechanically going about my work and daily routine..I am perfectly fine…but suddenly something happens and pulls me down and I take more than normal time to get up, dust my behind and continue on my path. Is all of this left over anger from the past? Am I wearing a cloak of positivity and trying to get on with life thinking that all is fine and normal and then something comes along to yank that cloak off and say caught ya! I don’t know why my head is so messed up. I am unable to think clearly…I lead such a double life…one of confident success..one who knows exactly where she’s going, in perfect control…to the outside world I am on a roll…words like “on a fast track”, “she’s a dude” get thrown at me. Little do they know how torn I am on the inside…sometimes I just want to throw it all away and bury myself in some tunnel..deep underground…don’t want to look at anyone’s face…don’t want to carry on meaningless conversation…But I know I can’t for the sake of my own sanity and for the sake of the few people who hold me close to their hearts. Sanity..hah! What a word…I think I seek sanity more than happiness…what is happiness?

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8 Responses

  1. Hmmm I relfect these thoughts. You’re not alone my dear. But its always good to keep some things to yourself. Atleast I feel so. You dont always get the kind of support you need. So it’s better to support yourself. I haven’t written about it for the same reason. It’s ok to be weak sometimes, it’s ok to cry without reason or to yourself. It’s ok to be sad for something you dont even know. It’s all very abstract. I’ve felt it lots of times.

    Oh I think I do have support in the form of KT and my mom even for that matter and I don’t think keeping things to onself is a very good course of action..of course if there is no one proper to unburden yourself on yes…but not otherwise.

  2. Hang in there sunshine. Have been there but it gets better.
    Annd, no matter how corny this sounds- tremendous turmoil does eventually lead to clarity. It somehow allows you to slowly figure out what gets you down exactly and to change your reactions to those events/thoughts. What makes you vulnerable BTW also makes you a very compassionate and giving person. Okay enough gyan:-)

    Thanks Deepa….your gyan makes a lot of sense! Tremendous turmoil does lead to clarity…almost like the clouds clearing out and the sun peeping through!!!

  3. Living in sanity or living insanity…. i hate feeling like that… and dont even know u, but hey….hug. Dunno if you smoke, else would have offered an e-ciggy.
    eve* aka jb

    Thanks for stopping here Jhoomur! And thanks a bunch for the hug and the e ciggy…I don’t smoke but e ciggy’s good huh??!!

  4. You know.. conscious insanity is any day better than hurtful sanity. Coming from personal exp.

    Ouch now that is profound…what exactly do you mean by hurtful sanity??

  5. I hope you feel better soon and I hope this is just a phase. I think we all go through similar growing pains.
    Hang in there.

    Hey Broom! Thanks for stopping by…yeah it is a phase..I’m already feeling much better

  6. Hurtful sanity is the one which we struggle to keep intach. Just because it is expected out of us. Just because we ought to behave in a certain specified manner, though it hurts like hell. I guess at some point we just need to let it go.

    Oh yeah that for sure gets my goat…and what’s worse I end up not doing things just because they are expected of me and then I feel bad about hurting the person!

  7. Tell me about it. Been there done that. I actually get more hurt for hurting the other person. The damn helplessness

    I know 😦

  8. Oh, I so get where you’re coming from! Happens to me too, and every time i realize that’s linked to something purely internal within me. and until that is resolved – not buried any more – I will have no peace.
    This knowledge has made the past year exceptionally rocky in my life, and the going has been very tough, but I’m slowly but steadily happier and stabler.
    Try thinking through it completely – WHY exactly are you feeling so bad? Where is all the leftover angst coming from? Are you at peace with yourself and your past? (I’m not completely so yet… I just choose not to blog about these things). It always helps me, I hope it works for you too.

    By the way, try seeing a counsellor if you have time. Sometimes you just need someone to help you talk it through. And there’s no stigma attached. At least there shouldn’t be any.

    I’m too tired to reply to this right now… but have a full post coming on this!

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