Stress and the city

I have hit the peak. Complete misery has taken over the system..choking me. All the stress I’ve been taking over the past two months have now culminated..what with the appraisals happening at work and the exam in less than a month. The Hong Kong trip too is proving to be this major pain, because so much has to be done before it. I am shocked at the way I’ve allowed these things to affect me so much. I need to rethink my way of living…really need to introspect.

I came home and cried my guts out last night after an appraisal. Its funny aint it that you spend 12-13 hours each day at work, work weekends and all to be flippantly told it is only expected and the quality of work isnt what I am capable of. Isnt it funny that the fact that I did really well last year is what is coming to bite me in the ass? I am told that I’m doing well but not as well as what was expected of me. Another girl was told that we’re only spending time like “labour” and no value add is there..wtf…what is it that they’re expecting. I’m thoroughly disillusioned.

I’m really sorry KT for upsetting you…was really unfair of me to pass on my personal troubles on to you…but yesterday was a real tipping point…I’ve never been subject to this before…my efforts being belittled. Sorry.

One thing that I am taking away from all of this is that I really need to toughen up…I’ve always thought I was one tough cookie…but yeah perhaps some more toughening up has to happen…its really not in my nature to fight back. Heard that others had one hour fights with the managers..don’t you think maintaining that dignified silence at times might just prove that you are classier..I really don’t know. Anyway…I am not going to stick around in office till 11 30 – 12 anymore. I do that and get only the minimum rating…I might as well leave early and get the rating right?

In any case this isnt the final verdict..the big boss is yet to pass his glorious judgements on the matter…so let me see how this pans out. But I really need to stop taking myself so seriously. In the five years that I’ve worked I’ve never heard such critisism or treated so flippantly..I guess I will learn how to handle this..and also not to invest so much emotionally into my work..need to take that chill pill..

I had actually resolved not to blog till the exam…but this post had to be written…My guess is that June will be a better month than May is turning out to be…

So I say Thank you for the music…

..Tag from Chandni!…And Silvara as well!!

Rules of the tag: Various situations are given. You have to come up with a song ( or a couple) that aptly describe those situations in YOUR life.

Ready? Here we go…

Opening credits: 

Waking up: Good Day Sunshine, The Beatles 😀

Average day: Manic Monday, The Bangles

First date: Good vibrations, Beach Boys

Falling in love: Pehla Nasha, Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander, She’s always a woman to me, Billy Joel…was my fantasy to dance with my man and have him sing this to me!!

Love Scene: Annie’s song, John Denver, Kiss Me, Sixpence none the richer

Fight Scene: Jeez I just cant come up with anything!!!

Breaking up: Yesterday, The Beatles, Killing Me Softly, Roberta Flack

Getting back together: We can work it out, The Beatles

Secret love: Iris, Goo Goo Dolls

Life’s ok: Lemon tree, Fools Garden

Mental Breakdown: Chiquiita, Abba

Driving: Dil Chahta Hai, Road Tripping, Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Learning a lesson: Ironic, Alanis Morissette

Deep thought: Vincent, Don Mclean…you know the way the song ends??

“They would not listen; they’re not listening still–
Perhaps they never will”

Flashback: I don’t know the name of the song…anyone reading this, if you happen to figure it out do tell!! Here is the way the song begins:

“I remember the house where we used to live

It’s a piece of shell on my window sill

Catching the light, light of a brand new day.

Partying:Twist and Shout, The Beatles

Happy Dance: La Bamba, Ritchie Valens

Regretting: Six Feet From the Edge, Creed

Long night alone: Leaving on a jet plane, John Denver, Sounds of Silence, Simon and Garfunkel

Death Scene:  Everybody Hurts, REM, Tears in Heaven, Eric Clapton

Closing Credits: The Ecstasy of Gold, Metallica

That was fun! Now I tag

Suki

The Rambler

Silent One In London

S

and anyone else who wants to do this…trust me this is fun!!

Bye for now..

There is an orphanage right next to my apartment, now this is a big bungalow that houses girl children who have been orphaned or belong to very poor families that can’t afford to keep these girls..brings back memories of The Kite Runner, but the impression I got is that the girls are reasonably happy..as happy as these circumstances will allow.

Run by nuns, the home provides these girls with good shelter and food and stability that must be lacking in their homes. There is a corporation school nearby and I’ve seen the girls in that uniform. I’ve noticed an easy camaraderie between these girls, the older ones help the younger girls comb their hair, at studies. Once one of the girls received an electric shock and the whole house panicked and ran to the girl, she was fine, but I was touched with the concern that everyone seemed to have, it was not that everyone ran out of curiosity or to gawk, but the worry came through..Every now and then they’d have visitors, people celebrating their birthdays, New Year, Christmas..bringing these girls food, cake and other goodies. Diwali brought them exceptional pleasure and they went berserk bursting crackers.

Once a girl was taken away by her parents and she cried her heart out..and she begged them to leave her behind..it was heart rending, watching them cry and the child cry. I was left with this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and I really hoped she was safe, I don’t know why but I was left hoping that these parents were going to be good to the kid, was she going to be taken off school to work or beg or worse..Or were they genuinely missing the child and had come to take her away and was the girl crying because she was going to miss the relative comforts of the home, her friends…

I think of that little spunky girl with short hair and her knee length pavadai. The one who received a burn while bursting crackers. The one who’s forever running around, climbing the roof and always in a flurry of activity. The one who I took one look at and asked myself, if I were to adopt a girl like her would I be able to love her like she was my own. The one who convinced me that I could. 

And oh they also had this cage with little birds…creating a non stop din. Waking up in the middle of the night you could hear them, why at any point in the day you could.

KT’s ma has gone down there and chatted with the nuns and the girls..I’ve never done that, I really don’t know why

Well they moved today. Bundled out all their belongings, the girls, the birds and have moved. Turns out that the bungalow is going to be torn down and a new bigger multi storeyed building built in its place…to accomodate more girls, a prayer hall and the works. I can’t help but say a prayer thanking that good soul who left this bungalow to the charitable trust..instead of selling it out to some developer, this in a prime area as well.  They’ve moved to a temporary place where they will stay till such time this construction is completed.

Yet I feel oddly filled with emotion, the air is silent now. No sound of the girls chattering, running around, saying their prayers, no birds creating a din. The lights are out and all I can see is the dim outline of the building and the trees. Oddly the bird cage is still here. KT looks at his foolish wife and pats her head and says they will be back soon. For me it cannot be sooner. Till then I can live in the belief that they are indeed in good hands and that they will be safe.