Miserable

They cut up the mango tree. The one just outside my window. The nice tree that gave us so much shade, mangoes every summer, where squirrels ran around, where the cuckoos sang from, the tree the occasional monkey paid a visit to.

Gone in about two hours. Leaving me a blubbering, sobbing mess.

Miss Mary quite contrary

This post was written on Saturday…didnt publish it then for some reason…decided to now.. 

Ramble alert..this post may not make any sense…I’m typing away furiously as the thought comes to my head….please feel free to skip reading this… 

My mental state I realise is extremely fragile. It is as though I am at some kind of tipping point..If I don’t look around and continue on my path, I’m ok..one look this side or that side and I’m out.

I am an endless worrier..I am unable to accept misery, I cannot accept looking at people and hearing their sad stories. A not so close friend’s mother underwent surgery for a tumour that is suspected to be cancerous…that upset me more than it should have. A boy who was my brother’s age died four years back…he was not even a friend..someone he knew through school connections..his death continues to haunt me even now…and each year when I see his picture in the anniversary columns in the newspaper I get an really uncomfortable, gnawing feeling in my heart.

On the outside however nobody except possibly KT and my ma know how vulnerable I feel…unaccountable mood swings…tears from nowhere..for no apparent reason, misplaced anger…resentment. Where is all this coming from? I wish I knew. If I stop to think I tip over. Mechanically going about my work and daily routine..I am perfectly fine…but suddenly something happens and pulls me down and I take more than normal time to get up, dust my behind and continue on my path. Is all of this left over anger from the past? Am I wearing a cloak of positivity and trying to get on with life thinking that all is fine and normal and then something comes along to yank that cloak off and say caught ya! I don’t know why my head is so messed up. I am unable to think clearly…I lead such a double life…one of confident success..one who knows exactly where she’s going, in perfect control…to the outside world I am on a roll…words like “on a fast track”, “she’s a dude” get thrown at me. Little do they know how torn I am on the inside…sometimes I just want to throw it all away and bury myself in some tunnel..deep underground…don’t want to look at anyone’s face…don’t want to carry on meaningless conversation…But I know I can’t for the sake of my own sanity and for the sake of the few people who hold me close to their hearts. Sanity..hah! What a word…I think I seek sanity more than happiness…what is happiness?

Promise

You promised on me that you would come….

Block

I have three drafts sitting and am unable to finish them…tried writing a funny post..I couldnt find the humour in my own writing..the subject is funny I assure you…tried ranting and to put down what is bogging me down….couldnt find the words.

 My mind is in a whirl. My thought are like those little dust particles suspended in the air that seem to run helter skelter when you turn on a torch in a dark dark room. My head is swimming with a dozen thoughts. Incoherence. Loads of issues to resolve..nothing new, nothing earth shattering..but they’re there just the same. The mind feels weak, weary. Feels abnormal because I normally can control my thoughts. Need to get a grip and sort my head out. Being over worked is not helping. Have to work tomorrow..and that nice quiet weekend seems a distant dream. The poor boy is unwell and has been calling me home since 3 pm…its nearly 8 now…all the colleagues have gone out for dinner and I’m still stuck here. Will lug the laptop and leave now.

I’m already in need of a holiday 😦

Resurfacing again

Ok here’s the update on my earlier post, didnt want to edit that one.  As Chandni put it I didnt want to let my prejudices /judgements to cloud my what I had to say to D. It was very clear that she wanted my help…she has no other friends or siblings.

So I decided to get her to elaborate on what she meant by A’s sister / family separating them…here’s what came out. Now while A knows that D wants to move mainly because of his sister the family clearly doesnt. And while A knows, he isnt willing to accept the argument. Yes they have talked…a lot about all the issues..fought…everything. And A knows that his sister’s behaving very badly but isnt willing to do anything drastic about it…because she is the baby of the family and he doesnt want to incur his parents’ wrath by openly supporting D and against her. So the bottom line here is that he doesnt think she is reason enough for A to get out.

Now D earns more than A. So when the whole Bombay idea was floated A’s family has been telling him that she is acting smart because she earns more than him, that her career is more important than him, that he should have married a stay at home girl,  a girl not too educated yada yada…Now that is very unfair because just 2 months back she turned down an offer from a company from Singapore because of A. She is now doing this mainly because of A’s sister and of course it she got a good job in the bargain.

So she is scared that A (who refuses to accept this truth) may get brainwashed when his parents and sister keep harping on the career being more important aspect and turn against her. When I told her that A would most probably be above all this, she said no there are moments he has felt this way before. And she reminded me that there was a point in time when A questioned her money spending and claimed that he was spending more money because of her insistence of living in Gurgaon and her unwillingness to stay in Delhi which would work out cheaper (both of them have offices in Gurgaon). So these undercurrents have been there and now she is scared that they will get full blown.

And her mind is made up she is moving to Bombay. Without A. And A’s parents are planning to move to Delhi. A will try and get a transfer in 6 months. I now feel this is actually a good thing. If their marriage can survive these 6 months, it will last their lifetime and I will be happy for D. If it doesnt survive these 6 months then she for sure is better off without him and its better now than later.

Resurfacing to breathe

Well I’m still neck deep in work…more and more seems to accumulate and I have a tag and a follow up post pending. But I’m doing neither and will instead write about an issue that has been simmering for a long time now and yesterday I was left fuming with the situation..

My friend D, the one I mentioned in passing earlier got married two years back. She a Tamilian met and fell in love with a Punjabi guy A. Complete recipie for disaster right from the word go..her parents were ok with the whole deal, his were not. They tried everything under the sun to stop the match..saying that she was too dark (I swear she is not, not like it matters but still), their horscopes don’t match, the astrologer said that A would die if they went ahead and got married, the marriage wouldnt last…every nasty thing possible was hurled at the poor girl. Now she is a perfect being, a senior from school, she was really someone I looked upto…she was really intelligent, excellent vocalist, great at sports, complete grace in handling herself..she was the complete package.

For about a year they kept yo yoing with the marriage thing…I tried talking her out of it for I don’t know what reason but I was really uncomfortable with her boyfriend. Finally they agreed and the wedding was fixed in lightening speed before A’s parents could change their minds and the wedding happened. A was working in Madras then and D was based out of Delhi in a job that involved extensive travel. A lived in with a room mate and D lived with her aunt in Delhi when she was there and her parents of course were in Madras. As the wedding took place really soon, they didnt have time to plan out how they were going to sort out their careers. So here they were married, headquartered in different cities and no clear plan as to what their future course of action would be. A’s parents fired the first salvo and said that they couldnt live in Madras…because she didn’t want her son to fall under any more evil Southie influences..so he had to find a new job…it made sense to choose Delhi because she was anyway working out of there. This though was fairly sick was still acceptable. Then came the bigger blow..no staying in D’s parents house when D was working out of her Madras office. Now A as I said earlier was living with a room mate..in a two bedroom house, with just one attached bathroom. So these newly weds lived with another guy in the house..in a room that had the bathroom attached to it…

Then there were digs and taunts, A’s dad never spoke to D…loads of bitchiness on the whole.

But they managed to sort out their jobs, both of them moving jobs based out of Gurgaon. There was an uneasy calm…but I could get a sense that A..who swore his undying love, who fought valiant battles against his parents was changing..bit by bit.

Now a fresh crisis has taken over. A’s sister has gotten herself a job in Gurgaon and is living with them. What’s the big deal you ask? Well the sister hates D (yeah a 25 year old), doesnt speak to her, doesnt do a spot of work in the house, wants to be lorded over, cooked for, driven around the place, won’t sit in the same table as D, will leave her used sanitary napkins lying around the place, basically causing hell for D. Now D has decided that enough is enough and refuses to put up with her anymore. She can’t get the sister out of the house, so she has decided switch jobs and move cities. A recently changed jobs so he cannot follow her. He cannot ask his sister to behave and he cannot ask her to get out..she earns a good salary and can for sure support herself. So D has found herslf a job in Bombay and A has told her that he can get a transfer in 6 months. So in the middle of salary negotiation and finding a place in Bombay I received a call from D.

She is not too sure she wants to move now. She is sure that she does not want to live under the same roof as A’s sister, but at the same time she has doubts….Those words sent a chill down my spine..I knew all was not rosy, but this?

“Pirichidivalonnu bayama irikku”

(Translated “I’ m scared they’d plot to separate us”)

These words have been echoing in my ears since yesterday. Here are highly educated people, people who have graduated from the cream of educational institutes in India, people working in top companies in the world. And the girl is scared of leaving her husband alone with his sister and perhaps parents because she is worried that they’d break up her marriage. I was too stunned to react to this and tried chiding her by telling her that A isnt a baby and is fully capable of making his decisions and holding his own..and she replied saying that I didn’t know how guys can change around their parents and family.

I mumbled something and ended the conversation there. My heart goes out to her…my first instinct was to think that if you can’t trust your husband enough to leave him around his family for six months, you’re better off without him..what kind of a marriage was this? But I really didnt want to say anything to her because I have spent a large part of my adult life telling my mother that she should have gotten a divorce early on in her life and always grew up thinking that if a guy were to hurt me in any way I was booting him out of my life, so much so my brother would joke that it would be a wonder if my marriage lasted 10 days…all this was before I met KT. All of this was playing in my head as I was talking to her and I wasnt sure if that instinct was resurfacing in me or whether I was thinking correctly, so I really didn’t want to say anything before examining my feelings.

Spoke to KT about it, now he has had very limited interaction with the two of them, we stayed one night with them in Gurgaon and needless to say D came out in flying colours in KT’s opinion and A flunked out miserably…the scene that played out there was right out of some 10 years ago…D cooking breakfast / lunch / juice , serving it to the great man who was sunning himself in the balcony reading his newspaper. Even KT felt queasy and offered to help. It was very very awkward to say the least.

When I  told KT what she had told me, he reacted in the exact same manner as I did and wants me to tell her that she is better off without A. Now D doesn’t have any other friend as such and I’m the only one. I know I need to give her my honest views, tell her how I feel…but is this crossing the line? I for one am not candid with her regarding my problems, so is that guilt holding me back from telling her what I feel. Or is it not my business at all? Should I go ahead and tell her? Is she asking me in order to hear from another person what she fears? I am really torn and am not sure how I need to handle this..suggestions please..

Bad bad weekend

Was sick

KT was sick

India lost. The man of the match was Steve Bucknor.

Nadal lost..in 58 minutes. 6-0, 6-1

Horrible horrible cough is troubling me.

I am unable to write…wanted to do a bye bye 2007 post, a hello 2008 post…but the words refuse to flow…

There may be a crisis brewing at work..I am paranoid, but I desperately want this to work out ok.

Grrrrr

Benazir Bhutto – RIP

Came across this photograph minutes before reports came out that she had died. This caught my eye as it came across as a really powerful photograph…I don’t personally care for her policies or the things she did during the time she ruled. Nothing takes away that she was a brave woman..and she did not deserve to die the way she did. I dread to think of what will happen in Pakistan now, the riots, more turmoil. I am reminded of a chilling statement made by the LTTE after an assasination attempt on Chandrika Kumaratunga, “She needs to get lucky each time, we need to get lucky just once.”

I am shocked at the indifference we now exhibit to news like this, you shake your head a few times and then shrug it off and move on doing your own thing…We have become immune to the tragedies that strike the world. The alarming frequency with which they strike in Iraq, in Afghanistan, Pakistan and elsewhere in the world is giving us a thicker skin…yet another death…the world becomes a worse place to live in day by day

Benazir Bhutto, you are in a better place now.

Edited to update: This picture has now been published in practically every newspaper..it really is something..she wears this really enigmatic look and its one of her best pictures indeed. What struck me was that as I was gazing at this picture Benazir was in hospital, fighting for her life..it is a thought that is very freaky..

D Company

What’s it about depression that makes my eyes well up for no apparent reason

What’s it about depression that I cannot even read

What’s it about depression that makes me want to write about it rather than the fact that Sampras beat Federer

What’s it about depression that makes it rear its ugly head every now and then

What’s it about depression that makes me discover nasty things like the fact that my Landmark vouchers have expired..by two days

What’s it about depression that makes me sadder than happiness makes me happy

Five minutes

Every single day I am late…the earliest I get to office is 10…those are very very rare occasions. Its 10 30 normally sometimes 11. Difficult for someone who loves to begin the day early. Do you know what the reason is? I bet you do.

 Today, a Saturday. I got slightly delayed…say 5 minutes. You did not even let on that you had to leave by a certain time…why was I  delayed? I was pressing your feet…

Five minutes..you couldnt wait…

I had tears in my eyes, I was raving mad, I nearly lost myself. I feigned a cold and a sneezing bout to ensure that your mother didnt realise that I was crying. If at all its possible for me to get a feeling of hatred..it happened today..like the other day..long ago when you didnt answer my phone calls..its more disbelief than anger that your capable of this…loads of sadness and hurt. I felt truly alone for the first time in a really long time. I do not belong anywhere now

“I’ve never delayed you to a client meeting” you say. Duh…when was the last time I even went to a client meeting?

I cried on the road…couldnt bring myself to face an autowallah…I walked on and reached the bus stop. Suddenly it struck me..why not take the bus..rather than argue and talk to an autowallah. I waited and took the bus. It was strangely liberating. I spent Rs 3 rather than Rs 40. I felt like me.

Tomorrow I will not wait for you. I will be me. Will be in the office by 9 30.